So, hey. Remember when I didn’t write anything for like two months? Wasn’t that fun?
Unlike my usual bullshit reasons for not being productive or getting shit done (i.e. I was too lazy/didn’t want to get up/was too busy doing other useless stuff, etc.), I’ve actually been up to lots of stuff in the last like sixteen weeks, or whatever it’s been! So yeah, I guess I have a good excuse for not doing anything creative?
No actually you don’t.
Anyway, I’m baaaAAAcckk. And here’s some stuff that I’ve done in the last little while!
I graduated University BITCHES!!1!
It took four years; forty-thousand dollars of OSAP debt, student loans, and funds from the Bank of Mom and Dad;
three four new apartments; probably over 100 books, anthologies, and novels; and countless nights of staying up till 5am writing essays with literal blood, sweat, and tears; but I finally did. it. And damn it feels…… not really any different actually. I still don’t feel like a grownup, nor do I feel any more scholarly than I did before I graduated. But at least it’s an accomplishment, and probably one of the biggest ones I’ll have for the next little while, so I’ll take it! Plus now I have a piece of paper with my name and some Latin on it that I can hang on my wall and show to all my friends. 🙂
I quit my job.
And I had a new job, one that paid way better, for like thirty whole seconds…
Then I quit that job and went back to my old job.
No but for real though. It really takes putting yourself into an uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing, stressful, and totally infuriating place for you to realize that what you had before wasn’t actually that bad. And I’m also super not good with change, it turns out. But I did realize that there are some things you’ll do for money, and there are just simply some things you won’t. There’s a limit to what you’ll put yourself through for a little bit of extra cash in your wallet every couple of weeks. Retail has its really shitty bits, but you just kind of tolerate them and move on when your shift is over. It’s when the bullshit starts following you home that you know you have a problem, and you need to make a change. So yeah. I was super unhappy for about a month, and was really down and anxious and just really fucking mentally and physically exhausted, and then I wasn’t. (My old job is still kinda bullshit but it’s at least familiar bullshit, so hey. I can deal with that.)
I saw some really dope live music.
In the course of about three weeks I saw a shitload of folk music, Kanye West, Marianas Trench, and Nikki Minaj, and I can definitely say that this is one of my favourite things about my otherwise uneventful summer. I was always surrounded by good beer and even better people, and I was genuinely really happy in those moments. I’m absolutely going to make more of an effort next summer to see more music when I can, ’cause concerts and festivals are just so fucking euphoric.
I finally got a savings account.
Not that I have any money to actually save in it, but still. It’s the principle. Actually it does feel pretty good being able to put some money aside for myself. I would always try to give myself a budget every time I got paid, and I tried lots of different methods of saving money. In the end though, I either got too lazy or I was running on too little funds, so I really haven’t been able to accumulate funds between paycheques. Setting up an automatic savings plan, though, means that I know I’ll have emergency cash if I need it. Like if I want to go on a trip somewhere, or need a new pair of shoes, or a new jacket, or like I don’t want to feel guilty about using rent money for McDonalds, or…. k wait. That’s not adulting works is it……..
I learned a couple things about myself as a person.
Not anything Earth-shattering or like existential or anything, I just happened to realize that some things I thought about myself weren’t actually true. Like, for example, that I’m totally comfortable with – rather – that I thrive on change. Wellp, turns out that’s the biggest douche-baggy lie ever. Change gives me hives. I literally have an allergic reaction to the universe. It makes me nauseous and anxious and irritable. Until I get used to the change and then everything is all hunky dory again! Another thing I learned is that I don’t deal very well with writer’s block. Clearly. One of my “solutions” for writer’s block is to read other people’s writing, but that only makes me feel shittier about myself and my lack of talent, so I kind of just end up in this nasty ugly hate-spiral of self-doubt and Half Baked ice cream. It turns out that you have to sort of just power through the rut that you’re in, and not try so hard to come up with a fix or an answer because it’s something that you have to work through with yourself, not anyone else. I’m trryyyiiiinnnggggggg.
Whew. Thanks for bearing with me :’)